The Thinking Girl's Guide to the Right Guy

How Knowing Yourself can Help You Navigate Dating, Hookups, and Love

The Guilford Press

Contents

Can I Have the Relationship I Want?

A big dilemma for women these days is the fact that there are so many relationship and sexual choices. And for every choice there are people who will say it's appropriate and those who will say it's not. There are those who claim you should be abstinent before marriage. Others say, "Go out and have sex with as many people as you want!" Some believe you should seek a committed, monogamous relationship for life. Others suggest you go for serial monogamy or even casual relationships. The good news is that you can pretty much have anything you want; the bad news is that you really have to know what you want. Often we have no idea what we want, or if we do, we have no idea how to get it or what it might bring. We know we're attracted to someone, so we go with it. Maybe we have sex right away. Or maybe we wait until we get to that "something" — a certain number of dates or drinks, a promise of exclusivity or commitment, a feeling of love, or marriage. And we always think we'll be okay with however it develops, that we'll be able to deal with all the uncertainty as it unfolds.

It doesn't always work out that way.

We all have needs, and in relationships our needs often conflict with those of our partners. We also all deal with uncertainty in relationships and sex, and every one of us has decisions to make about what to do. So how do we deal with that uncertainty? How can we learn to balance needs appropriately? By knowing what makes for a healthy relationship — by learning healthy relationship skills and knowing how to use them.

Do I want a hookup, a fuck buddy, friends with benefits (FWB), a committed relationship? Who do I want to be with, and why? Should I stay in or exit my current relationship? How do I know whether casual sex is right for me? These questions, and others like them, are important. They are questions you have to answer. Questions whose answers come from knowing yourself and your needs.

In this book, we're going to introduce you to seven characters. Lauren, Anna, and Julianne are in their mid-20s to early 30s and became friends at work. Emily, Lexi, Olivia, and Mia, all in their early 20s, graduated from high school together. Their story lines will depict a variety of relationships and dilemmas, and we'll show you how they identify their needs and use the healthy relationship skills to get them met. Because no matter what type of relationship the characters are in — or wanting or considering — the skills will help them stay in touch with who they are and what they want and help them make relationship choices and decisions that are good for them.

LAUREN

Lauren's a beauty inside and out.